Is Hunter Biden "Trade"?

Turns out, the "gay mafia of DC" has been terrorizing us all.

"There is, like, this closeted gay mafia, largely Republican, that exists in Washington DC, and everybody knows every single one of them." - Hunter Biden

Yesterday, Don Lemon asked Hunter Biden the most important question in the world?

“Can we just gossip a little bit?”

(You can watch the full video over on YouTube)

And Hunter answered.

Turns out, everyone, yes everyone, in D.C. is a secretly gay demon that’s been taking their closeted chaos out on America in lieu of #healing.

Who exactly?

Not Josh Hawley. Not House Speaker Mike Johnson. Not Stephen Miller. Not at alllll.

Hags!

I’ll add a few more to the list.

Not Sen. John Kennedy. Not Tim Scott. Not prolific beardshopper Cory Booker.

Is Hunter just sharing open secret, or does he have some insider tea to spill?

In ways that I can’t fully explain¹, DC is way more image-obsessed than Los Angeles. The scions, their parents, the obsession with legacy, power, and a Puritanical psychopathy they don’t actually believe in or practice. Perfection, down to their little doll suits and heads of doll hair (Stephen Miller excluded), all with one goal: creating an armor of perfect image tough enough to deflect and distract from the scandalousness we all know is going on behind-the-scenes.

Also part of the costume: respectability politics, faux-civility, points of order, and a shared (fake) goal of bi-partisan collaboration (or not) that they promised their voters would save America. It worked for centuries, before it was shot to hell by Donald Trump, who was rewarded with the Presidency twice for sharing his sinister thoughts out loud. Encouraged to do so with almost zero opposition from the other party.

Harris. Obama. Biden (Dad). Booker. Jeffries. Ocasio-Cortez. Pelosi. Schumer. All trying — diplomatically, intellectually — to offer up debate and dissent in a way that most of us have known for decades just doesn’t fucking work.

And then there’s Hunter. Kind of a streamer-era folk hero whose newest addiction is talking his shit, and meaning it. Refreshing, I guess, because even Lindsey Graham’s biggest haters still flipped and lovingly memorialized him (despite being a demon right up until the second his cold, cold heart stopped).

I like Hunter Biden in the way that I like Johnny Knoxville, Chris Pontius, and Steve-O. Shithead white boys extraordinaire. Mostly harmless to everyone, but themselves. The anti-hero energy. The straight boy archetype that’s kinda X-Games, Monster Energy, and some parts bad drunk who might put cigarettes out on himself or smash his head into a wall. He likes guns and strippers and challenging his haters to cage matches. He also seems like he’s not beyond getting a little drunk on a hunting trip and hooking up with a man.² He’s white trash, while absolutely being the furthest from it. Kind of frat boy? Kind of an every man? A rich kid hot mess, Burner (?), but not in the same ways that make us hate Don Jr. One who cleans up nicely and has a much lower tolerance for bullshit than most white men his age.

For the sexually repressed men of DC — where even a heterosexual affair made pubic can kill careers — he represents a forbidden kind of freedom.

This is what’s made him the subject of a Republican obsession so deep-seated that it can only, scientifically, stem from a crush. And, I know crushes!

I wouldn’t have even known who Hunter Biden was if it wasn’t for every White conservative man in Washington being obsessed with his every move, every antic, and stalking his life so hard that they all conspired to steal his computer.

(A computer, by the way, that was full of nothing but photos of Hunter and his giant dick larping around naked wherever he could. No wonder they wanted it.)

If there was any question as to how Hunter could know who in DC is secretly gay, it’s because they probably tried him. Toe tapping from the bathroom stall next to him. Handshakes and gazes that last too long. Endless attempts at coded signaling, hoping for a confirmation back from Hunter that he too shares the same little secret.

1. Oops, I accidentally explained.

2. I feel like if he did, he would tell us.