New York Isn't Going Anywhere

Thursday Thoughts (...on a Friday Morning)

For a special edition of Thursday Thoughts, we’re turning this into an advice column and answering some questions from a follower who’s torn between leaving New York (which is a saga on its own) and moving to LA.

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QUESTION — “What prompted your move to Los Angeles originally? And, how has it affected your sense of evolution, fulfillment, etc? I feel like I’m hitting a wall harder than usual with NYC.”

THE ANSWER — I lived in New York City for almost 10 years and in Los Angeles for just over 10 years, so if there’s anybody who has an accurate perspective on what a new life could look like in either of those cities, it’s me. In fact, when I moved to LA, my job stayed the same as did my friend group. The only real measurable change was my location, so I guess we should focus on what that physical shift into a new space has done for me.

Let’s start with why I left.

Technically, New York was the one who decided I should leave.

For my last year there, I hated New York.

I was burning out at a music magazine that was on its last leg. The publishing industry itself was dying. The genres we reported on were now out of trend. The neighborhoods, bars, and clubs that my hipsterdom thrived in were being developed out of business. Everything I loved about that era of New York was disappearing. I lived five thousand different lives by then and was too exhausted to muster another rebrand.

The hipsterdom.

My mornings were the root cause of all my bad days. I shared a crowded apartment with two Craigslist roommates and only one bathroom. The drains never drained. The landlord was a slumlord. I was usually in a bad mood before I even got to work. My commute was short, but whatever happened during that 20-minute train ride would set the tone for my day. I was building rage and resentment for not having any time to myself. I would try to find ways to work through this, like getting up extra early for a solo breakfast or coffee at Balthazar or somewhere. It worked for a little, but the overall novelty of “the hustle” was still wearing off. I felt like I deserved to ease into my day.

Losing that magazine job in early 2012 gave me the ultimate luxury—free time. You’re not supposed to be bored in New York. I had to find ways to kill time. I would wake up and walk from South Williamsburg, across the Williamsburg Bridge and into Essex Market for my morning coffee.¹ That’s a 6-mile roundtrip walk for coffee. I had never really experienced weekday loitering in New York before. That statement feels too dumb to write, but spending time with the ‘day people,’ and not the ambition zombies, changed my life. It killed my executive ambition and any goal that required me to spend my life fighting for validation in an office. I wanted to be a Day Person, not a CEO. I lived about five thousand different lives in that city. The only thing I really wanted to do now was nothing.

In May, I wrote about toxic ambition, a love affair, and shared the full timeline of events from the year that led me to Los Angeles:

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Though I had already begun to devolve while I was in New York, I needed to have a drastic physical change as some sort of proof that the shift was real.

So, technically, that's why I moved to LA. I moved here to slow down.

I could finally afford my own apartment. And we didn't have broker’s fees or insane hurdles. I finally had a car and didn't have to share my commute space with strangers. I could buy anything I wanted from the grocery store and didn't have to drag it up and down subway stairs. People would hold elevators for you out here and say hello as they passed you on the street. I could walk slowly. Everything was less urgent.

It’s not impossible to find community, connectivity, and culture in LA, but you won't feel that same regional tailwind that pushes every New Yorker forward.

Many friends who moved from New York to Los Angeles have started businesses, found love, bought houses, had kids, and committed their lives to California. However, LA has never felt like my place or my people.

Comparing the two on paper, there's not much difference. LA isn't particularly pretty or architecturally exciting, but neither is New York. Both have their own little pockets of magic that will be gentrified and developed beyond recognition eventually. The traffic here is bad, but it’s not as chaotic as New York. The food (ingredients) out here is delicious, but the food (meals) out here is not. My favorite thing about LA is being able to get out of LA. My favorite thing about New York is being in the city.

I didn’t miss New York during my first few years out here, but somewhere around 2019, I started to re-romanticize my old life in New York. I had to sit with that thought for months to figure out just how much of it was a real love for New York and how much of it was misdirected nostalgia for my youth. It might be helpful if you do the same — what’s creating “the wall” and what would you do if “the wall” follows you to LA?

The reality of 2023 is that I’m actually heavily considering a move back to New York. I feel more fulfilled there. I feel more attractive there. I find men more attractive there. (Unrelated but I had a vision that my soulmate is in New York, because New York is my soul city). LA is isolating. It’s not walkable. It’s a segregated city. I miss people. Even doing nothing in New York still felt like doing something. Here, I kind of feel like I voluntarily entered into suburban hell two decades too early. That might be a life regret.

Anyway, back to my plan.

It’s a map of what life in New York is as the adult version of myself. Not for a few weeks of vacation, not as a broke 25 year old, but for permanent life. With rain. And snow. In an apartment, and not at the Ludlow Hotel. With fewer friends than before.

I didn’t have a plan for LA. I don’t regret moving here for the vibes, but I wish I gave myself a timeline and milestones to work toward, especially around income, housing, leisure, and community. (If there’s interest in how I’d break that down, I can do a second post).

Even if you feel like the city’s conspiring against you at the moment, I promise you it’s not. A lot of very powerful bonds and memories were created during my last miserable year there. It’s OK if you don’t leave New York right away. It’s OK if you only leave for three months. New York isn’t going anywhere.

1. The best coffee in New York https://www.essexmarket.nyc/porto-rico